“Writing is the art of a listening heart.” I love that line, and I love the idea of this whole chapter: the idea that writing is how we metabolize life. It is how we work through things, or at least it can be if we let it. Cameron shifts from the food analogy to that of screenplays, but the two ideas really meld together well. “If writing is observing the movie in our minds, it is also editing it, adding sound track, putting on a voice-over.” It’s the whole idea that writing allows us to step back and look at life differently. It allows (almost forces) us to stop, process, and put into words how we want to view a situation. And once we put it in words, especially written words, it often takes on a feel of permanence that makes us ponder those words long and hard.
Initiation: Describe a situation in your life that you are currently trying to metabolize.
It has been one year, seven months, and twenty four days since a surgeon put me to sleep and changed my life. I had lap band surgery on November 18, 2010. It was a decision I had not come by lightly (mostly because of the financial burden), but it is one that I have never regretted. Since that day I have lost 175 pounds. I have changed the ways I think about, shop for, and prepare the food I eat. I run on a regular basis, and although I’m slow I can make it over three miles without walking. I enjoy riding a mountain bike given to me by my brother, and I recently starting working out boot camp style with a group of young ladies who meet at my home in the evenings. I look and feel like a whole new woman, but…
With the loss of 175 pounds comes a whole new issue that I did not anticipate…skin…lots and lots of skin. It’s gross and it’s everywhere. Now, I won’t go into any details as to not scare you off, but you have to be aware of the problem to understand the decision that I am currently writing about (metabolizing per se). I have decided to visit a plastic surgeon to see about having some of the extra removed and some of the other put back where it belongs (we’ll just leave it at that).
The decision is a difficult one because, like the first surgery, it will be expensive. Can I justify spending that money (that could, for example, be socked away for Ryan’s future tuition) to make myself feel better when I look in the mirror? Well, let’s see…let the metabolizing begin.
On the one hand, it is expensive. I’ve worked really hard to get out of debt, and this would be something I would pay for, at least partially, on credit. It seems irresponsible. I also keep thinking about the fact that I am the one who made the decisions that landed me in the situation that created this problem. Shouldn’t I just have to live with the consequences now? Of course, I struggled with that before the first surgery as well.
Now, don’t get me wrong. We won’t be living on peanut butter and Ramen, and Ryan won’t be unable to go to college because of this decision. I have worked out a plan to pay for it responsibly (well, as responsibly as you can say you're being when doing something you can’t afford to pay cash for). And then there’s the whole “you deserve” this idea. That is what friends and family keep telling me. “You’ve worked hard and earned this.” And they’re right. I have worked hard, but again, I’ve had to work hard because of decisions I made in the past…my decisions.
I guess the biggest factor that tipped my decision is purely, oh what is the word I’m looking for? Materialistic? Shallow? Vain? None of those seem right, but it really is based on the way I look and the way I feel about the way I look. It’s about working up a sweat and building muscle and feeling empowered and strong and confident and then peeling off those sweat soaked clothes to see that you have the body of a 90 year old woman. Confidence gone. Empowerment zapped. There’s no coming back from that. So, maybe I don’t deserve it. Maybe I should have to deal with the consequences of past decisions. Maybe it is a selfish decision, but it is one I feel strongly about. It is something I’m willing to sacrifice for financially, and it is one that I think will make me a stronger, happier woman. Doesn’t that benefit me and those I love? I think so.
Hmmm…Cameron may be on to something here. Metabolizing success!
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