Sketching

Not that anyone will ever know, but I am going to confess (here in cyber court) that I am guilty of initiation skipping. It’s the first one I’ve skipped since starting this book study/writing endeavor, and I guess I’m not really skipping it as much as I am postponing it. I intend to do it; I’m just stumped at the moment as to how. In the meantime, I would like to move on and continue writing. Here is the initiation prompt, in case someone happens to actually read this and feels like offering advice:

The Well: Get out of the house, off your beaten path, and do something festive and adventurous. Do it alone. Aim for a sensory experience. Think mystery, not mastery. Choose an activity that appeals to what you might call your inner artist, inner child, or inner explorer. Remember: What you are doing is called an “Artist Date,” equal parts “artist” and “date.” Do something fascinating and do not stand yourself up. Whatever you choose to do, do it solo. Allow yourself to soak up images and impressions. No need to write about them. You are to fill the well, not fish from it.

Hmmmmm…where to go…where to go…

If (assuming someone reads this) you have a suggestion, please post it.

I’ll set that aside for now and move on to the topic at hand: sketching. I wouldn’t usually quote a whole paragraph, but I don’t think I could explain the concept of “learned faith” as eloquently as Julia Cameron has done here.

“I did not always know that the writing knew what it was doing. Long years of experience have taught me this is true. It is the experience of trusting – and having that trust rewarded – that makes me feel trust is appropriate. It is also the experience of having not trusted – only to come back later after much work to the original impulse – that makes me know that there is something surefooted in the creative impulses exactly as they arise.”

While she is speaking specifically of writing in her discussion of faith as something that we must learn to trust, the concept applies to so many aspects of life. But with writing in mind, I love that she writes about “listening” to her writing while she “sketches.”

I love the poem Willow and Ginkgo by Eve Merriam, and when I teach it we discuss the connotations of the words etching and sketch. Sketch just seems so temporary, rushed, and meant to be seen as imperfect and unfinished. It’s rough and therefore judgment free. It’s just a sketch. Isn’t this the point of what she has been telling us all along? Quit fearing writing. Just sit down and sketch. It’s not supposed to flow from the pen (or keyboard) eloquent and beautiful. It just needs to come out…to be sketched.

Initiation Tool: Describe where you are and how you are. Sketch the room you are writing in, the mood you are writing in, anything delightful or interesting that catches your attention. Now, number one to five. Very quickly list five things it would be interesting to write about. Choose one. What would you write about it? Do not worry about being deep or sensible or practical. Allow yourself to sketch this in the loosest, roughest terms.

I am writing in the learning lab at ACC. Clearly, I am bored as that is when I usually choose to write. I find it sad that this many weeks into this endeavor it still takes me being bored or the avoidance of a task I dread even more to get me to write. C’mon, Cameron! I need a breakthrough!

Anyway, I am also feeling mixed emotions about today being my last day in the lab. I’m kind of excited. It gets tedious, and I could use a little time off. I’m kind of bummed that it means summer is coming to an end. And while I am excited for my new job to start up in full force (which also makes me nervous), I am not looking forward to my semester as a student starting up. I’m taking three night classes this semester…oy vay!

Other than those emotions, I am COLD! Brrrrrrrr! They keep it freaking freezing in here. I bring a coat (not a light jacket) but a COAT with me to work year round…in Texas! Who even needs a coat in their car in south Texas? Me!

Step two: Time to list.

1.       Jeanie’s family

2.       A memoir (weight loss journey, my faith and sometimes lack of, juggling being a single mom/teacher/student, insane “Piper” stories, experiences with Mema…so many possibilities)

3.       A story told completely through letters

4.       Leaving the classroom

5.       I can’t think of a fifth, and it said to do it quickly so I’m stopping. I’m going to say my list on number 2 puts me over the minimum assignment.

Step Three: Choose one to write about.

3. This idea actually came from this chapter although it is close to an idea that I have pondered (and even started) before. I wrote the beginning of a story (years ago) told through a young girl’s journal. I wonder where that writing is. Anywho…I think it would be interesting to tell a story through letters. Or are letters outdated? Would it have to be set in the past? I wouldn’t want to use emails. Too impersonal. No, I still love real letters. Sent through the real mail. There’s just something intimate about reading a letter. Not a Hallmark card or a postcard (although it’s nice to get those too). No, I mean a story told through the words that people take the time to pour out on paper and send across a significant distance. Those words have weight. Those words…and therefore that story…means enough to merit being sent as a letter. That would be good stuff.

Body of Experience

I love both Theodore Roethke and Robert Frost. I love to read the poetry of both, interviews with both, and about the lives of both. Today, I learned that both men were walkers, physical walkers. It makes sense, really; their works reveal a quiet, observant connection to their surroundings. It makes sense that to achieve that connection, to slow down and notice...both men walked. Poetry is comprised of "feet" for a reason, I suppose. How could we read Robert Frost without realizing that walking was important to him? When the two roads diverged in the woods, he was there...walking.

Initiation: Head out the door and walk for twenty minutes. Notice your surroundings. Notice your mood. Notice any shifts in your mood. Above all, notice any answers, insights, stratagems, or inspirations that come to you. Back home, head directly to the page. Record your experience and your findings.

I'm not sure that Cameron (much less Frost) would approve of my deviation, but rather than walk for my initiation, I jogged. It is part of a new morning routine for me. I meet with a running club in the mornings (before the crack of dawn even). They run. I jog...well actually, I trot along at a walking pace (but with a bounce). Now usually, this is not a meditative time for me. It is a painful three miles that I strive to simply push through. Not exactly a time for a Robert Frost moment. But this morning...tragedy struck...my phone battery died and the music stopped. That's right. There was no music thumping in my ear buds to entertain/distract me for the last 20-25 minutes of my run. Thus, the completion of this initiation.

I find it interesting that most of my ponderings for the rest of the run were spiritual. I am striving to be stronger in my faith, but I am not an overly spiritual person. Perhaps it was because "Behold" (one of my favorite religious songs) played shortly before the music stopped. Perhaps it was because it was still dark out and the streets were deserted and peaceful. For whatever reason, my mind wandered to my faith and even to the faith of Ryan. I thought. I prayed. I sang (in my head only...due to heavy breathing) the songs I associate with ACTS. It made the run more tolerable...less painful.

I concentrated more on the rhythm of my cadence and of my breathing. And I came to comfortable with being with myself in the silence. I thought about yesterday’s mass, although I don’t remember why. I thought about the ACTS retreats I attended, specifically the first one when I was a participant. I remembered the Coming Down the Mountain book that I read after and suddenly wanted to read it again.

I would have thought that my mind would have been more focused, thinking mainly of goals and fitness and health, but apparently not. It seems that when left alone with my thoughts and my own rhythm, my mind wanders where God wants it…on thoughts of him.

Specificity...Take Two

I did not realize there was a second part to the previous initiation, so here we go.

Step Two: List and describe ten personal objects that have for you, personal emotional weight. Describe especially both the object and the reasons for its emotional relevance.

1.      Ryan's Coveralls Baby Picture – That picture reminds me of so much. It was taken when Ryan and I still lived in Huntsville, when I was struggling to get by. When I was learning to take care of myself and Ryan and trying to make it from one paycheck to the next. His smile symbolizes that I didn’t do so bad. He’s wearing a Whirlwind hat that my dad had made for him. He was Papaw’s boy even back then.

2.      Mema’s Virgin Mary Statue – It reminds me of the special time Ryan and I spent with her. As difficult as it was, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. We are both better people for having cared for her, even if I didn’t do a very good job of it.

3.      Mom’s Strawberry Dishes – They remind me of the barn house. I loved that house, especially the kitchen. I hope that this house inspires those kinds of happy memories in Ryan, memories that last a lifetime.

4.      My Tennis Shoes – They are nothing fancy but when I put them on I feel empowered. They remind me that I really have come a long way.

5.      My Prayer Jar – It reminds me of the ACTS retreat and everything about that memory is special.

6.      Grandma Piper’s Ash Tray – It’s white with green specks, and I suppose an ash tray is a strange thing to connect to emotionally, but it reminds me of her apartment…and thus of her.

7.      My Willow Tree Reading Angel – I love all Willow Tree figurines, but I think this one is especially beautiful. One, because I love her wings, and two, because I think she looks like she is hugging the book with such passion. It represents my passion for language and books and words, and it represents a big part of who I am.

8.      My Graduation Gown – It is a symbol of what I’ve worked so hard for and am still working to achieve, and it represents the importance of education to me.

9.      My Wonder Woman Watch – Mostly because Big Ryan gave it to me. It reminds me that I do make a difference and that my students are affected by the things I do and say. That is an awe inspiring feeling. It makes you proud and self conscious and humble all at the same time.

10.  My Moment to Pause Bracelet – One, it does just that…reminds me to pause and be thankful and reflect. Two, because it is a connection that all the Piper girls share. I love that.

Specificity

Initiation: List and describe ten items inyour immediate environment What are your associations with them, however nonsensical.

1. A white flower pot with no flower: The strange stick (which I guess used to have a balloon on it) has a frog clipped to it. It looks like something Piper would put in her hair. The clip reminds me of the frogs singing in a children's movie, but I can't think of which one. I can picture them, but I can't recall the movie.

2. My red purse with the bling cross: My friend Jessica told me that as I got smaller, this purse continued to get bigger. It really is huge...and heavy. I bought it months before my surgery (so it's been almost two years), but I wouldn't let myself carry it until I lost twenty pounds. It was my first reward. I said I was going to reward myself every 20 pounds, but I didn't keep up with it. I owe myself many goodies. I guess this next surgery will serve as my catch-up reward.

3. My M cup that I love, love, love: I don't know what it is about these cups, but Barbara and I would fight for them.

4. A basket, just a plain wicker basket: It reminds me of Ryan's Easter basket (also plain wicker) with the red stripe around it. I love that basket.

5. The computer I'm typing this on: I spend a lot of time on this computer when I'm in the learning lab (wishing a student would come in for help). We're long old friends.

6. A telephone: I hate talking on the phone. How can I possibly be my mother's daughter?

7. My teacher bag: It's a huge, 31 bag that my friend Mary Lynn gave me. It's brown, and I love the design, and it holds a million pounds (as every good teacher bag must). I have a bag that has more of a dressed up briefcase look. I've thought about switching to that this year. You know, going all admin., but I'm not sure. I guess it will depend on how much stuff I'm lugging around. Do people carry tons of books and papers and junk in and out of admin. like we do on campus?

8. Ender's Game: This is Ryan's summer reading for dual credit, and I am reading it as part of a YA book study that I am also completing online. So far I like it. Wish I had read it before reading The Hunger Games trilogy though. It has the same feel, and I would have liked to compare in the reversed order.

9. A grammar cartoon: Oh how I LOVE grammar and all things grammar related! No, really...I do!

10. My watch: Does it count if I'm wearing the object? I say yes. It's my Wonder Woman watch that a fabulous student gave me many years ago. He's going to run this country some day. This watch makes me smile because he's one of those that make you proud to have been his teacher.

"Connecting to our environment consciously and concretely allows us to connect with greater specificity and emotional resonance to our own inner life. This makes for writing of a rich timbre."

Valuing Our Experience

Initiation: List fifty things you are proud of, from the small to the large. Then review the list. What does it teach you about what you value?

Step One: In no particular order.

1.       My master’s degree

2.       Ryan’s work ethic

3.       Having lost 175 pounds

4.       Being able to jog 3 miles

5.       Financial independence

6.       My relationship with my family

7.       My banana pudding

8.       My sense of humor

9.       My home

10.   My exercise room

11.   My Ed.D. progress

12.   My faith

13.   My mother’s volunteerism

14.   My role as an educator

15.   Being an American

16.   Being a Texan

17.   My organizational skills

18.   My new arm muscle (yup, it’s visible!)

19.   The Insanity crew

20.   Showing up for Hell on Heels

21.   Ryan’s athleticism

22.   Ryan’s creativity

23.   My father’s gentle kindness

24.   My brother’s big gestures

25.   My MHS letter jacket

26.   My Region IV gold star

27.   My Mountain Writers grant

28.   My GPA

29.   Being able to borrow clothes from my gorgeous sister-in-law

30.   My ability to pull a camper

31.   My improved cooking skills (still bad, but improved)

32.   My relationships with past students

33.   Ryan taking college classes

34.   Having read War and Peace

35.   My changed views on food

36.   My love of reading

37.   Ryan (in general)

38.   Ryan’s financial sense

39.   Getting out of debt (even though I bought a house and went back in)

40.   My people skills

41.   My ability to work well under pressure

42.   My ability to multi-task

43.   My willingness to tell it like it is

44. Having a waist

45.   Wearing clothes without X's in the size

46.   Ryan

47.   Ryan

48.   Ryan

49.   Ryan

50.   Ryan

Step Two: Well, I ran out of things to list, but I figured Ryan could have been all fifty. So why not end my list in a way that reflects that?

I think my list shows that there are four major areas of my life that I value: family, school, work, and fitness.

Drama

“Every day is made from myriad moments.”

 *I apologize in advance for the length of this one...just following directions.

Initiation: Number from one to a hundred. Now list one hundred things you, personally, love.

In no particular order AT ALL:

1.       My red rosary

2.       Blue Bell banana pudding ice cream

3.       Franz Schubert’s “Ave Maria”

4.       Josh Turner’s voice

5.       Hugs from Ryan

6.       Catholic mass

7.       Cold beer (the colder, the better)

8.       The Chaplet of Divine Mercy when sung by the Marian Helpers

9.       Post-run stretch

10.   My bike

11.   Cheese puffs

12.   Chocolate

13.   Cold pizza with ranch dressing

14.   Cowboy boots

15.   Tall boots with high heels

16.   Art by Kelli Rae Roberts

17.   Grey’s Anatomy

18.   A new journal

19.   Red

20.   Lipstick

21.   A Tale of Two Cities (and the memory it evokes)

22.   Poisonwood Bible

23.   Flip Flops

24.   Sunshine

25.   Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups

26.   Old Readers’ Digest books

27.   My Kindle

28.   Pedicures

29.   Scalp massages

30.   Johnny Depp’s eyes (and really all the rest of him too)

31.   The smell of baby powder

32.   The smell of baked apple pie

33.   My mother’s meatloaf

34.   Queso (and pretty much anything with queso on it)

35.   Jurassic Park (both the book and the movie)

36.   Stephen King’s…too many to list

37.   Cool (not cold) nights at the baseball park

38.   Sunny days at the baseball park

39.   The Beach (any beach)

40.   A comfy tube on a flowing river

41.   Campfires

42.   My back patio

43.   Lemon cake

44.   X-Men movies

45.   Old family photos

46.   Facebook

47.   Pinterest

48.   My job

49.   My “Meaning to Pause” bracelet

50.   Kick boxing

51.   Laughter

52.   Timothy Shmaltz’s “A Quiet Moment”

53.   Writing that feels complete

54.   Chick flicks

55.   Crosses

56.   Jeans that fit in the waist and the butt at the same time

57.   Ryan’s smile

58.   The words “Go Big D” when yelled by my dad

59.   Holding hands

60.   My Medjugorje statue

61.   Cilantro

62.   My brother’s sense of humor

63.   My sister’s free spirit and sense of style

64.   Good advice from “other” Christi

65.   Dive bars

66.   Girls' nights out

67.   My crock pot

68.   Prince

69.   Grease

70.   My i-phone

71.   Quiet time

72.   Piper’s laugh

73.   Stella’s ideas

74.   Just the right song during a run

75.   Roses

76.   Fresh Pineapple

77.   Long skirts

78.   To do lists (especially with things checked off)

79.   Hot showers

80.   My closets

81.   My kitchen island

82.   Orchids

83.   Dirty martinis

84.   Sleeping babies

85.   Dr. Seuss books

86.   Puzzles

87.   Teenagers

88.   Epiphanies

89.   My recliner

90.   Christmas trees

91.   Candy corn

92.   Good parties

93.   Family dinners

94.   Wimberley weekend

95.   Danbury

96.   Hoka Hey

97.   Reality television shows

98.   Memoirs

99.   Real cards sent through the real mail

100. TEXAS!

Mood

Initiation: Identify a situation in your life about which you have a recognizable mood or emotion. "Enter" a mood or emotion and write for ten mintues. At the end of the ten minutes, stop. Take five more minutes and write about the shifts in your mood that the act of writing caused. Be an observer.

Step One: I am proud of my son's work ethic. This summer Ryan has taken a job working for Jacco in the rice fields. It's hard work, and he works long hours. Now this, in itself, is not a big deal. He is sixteen years old, about to be a junior in high school, and he should certainly have a summer job. That is an expected minimum, not something to provoke motherly pride. However, in this case, there is more to it that evokes the emotion of pride.

Ryan has been doing odd jobs for family members, friends, community organizations, and individuals who get his name via word of mouth for years. He has always been a hard worker, and even more importantly, a saver. He loves to take his pay and tuck it away in the bank. That's right. It's never been blown on skateboards, junk food, video games, or any of the other things I think of when I think of teens blowing money. It usually go straight in his bank account, an account he opened when he was ten years old as what was called a Mulah Mulah account and recently converted to a full blown savings account.

When he turned fifteen he got a job in Filipp's (mmm mmmm good local restaurant) and worked there until the next baseball season rolled around. By the way, I didn't even know this was legal, but apparently in Texas you can work at 15 with parent permission and only a certain number of hours. Soooo...he asked me to write him a note giving him permission to work and he set about becoming gainfully employed.

He wasn't able to continue working at the restaurant this summer because of scheduling conflicts with his summer baseball league, so he found a different job, the rice fields. He works from 7-12 in the morning, Monday-Saturday. Monday through Friday he gets a two hour lunch break (no afternoon shift on Saturday) durng which he eats a huge meal, takes a nap, and then returns for 2-7 shift. That's a ten hour day in case you haven't done the math. That's a long day.
While this is going on, he's playing summer baseball, reading his books for the dual credit English class he is registered for and helping out around the house (he does a great job with the yard with no complaint and for the most part without me asking...albeit that is in exchange for being on my cell phone plan).

Anywho...time is up, but I could just go on and on. He's a good kid, and I'm proud what can I say. Don't get me wrong, he's NOOOOOO angel, as any of his teachers can tell you, but he makes me proud, and today that is my mood.

Step Two: Writing this intensified my mood. It made me even prouder to write about it, like I was just hoping someone would read it. I wonder though, what would have happened if I were in an angry mood? Depressed perhaps. Would the writing process have intensified that mood or helped me work through and alleviate it? I'm betting on the latter. I also thought about the emotion of confusion. Would this process have helped me "metabolize" that confusion as with the other initiation? Interesting process. As for now...still proud!

*This post was actually written yesterday, July 16th, but I was unable to post.